Well now 6 months later, lets just say I understand FULLY!!!!!!! Pray for me. I was plain shocked.and at first i was in denial of what stage 4 meant and grade 3 and why i had to things a lil different as far as treatments go.i didnt wanna get it, i guess?!.
Fighting for respect, fighting to be a great mom, fighting with baby daddy, fighting to make a living, fighting to be a kid still, fighting to be an adult.just fighting fighting fighting!!!! And right when i got the kids with good grades and one even graduated.then what happens.CANCER. I mean i understand the ideal of fighting but truthfully i feel like this.Ive been a mom since the age of 15 so all I know is to fight. to be vulnerable and to need others alot more than i ever havein the past. It strips you bare and makes you the one thing you hate the most. See cancer has a way of making you unstrong. I am somewhat friendly cause I care but Ive been built to just be strong cause its the strong thing to do. Just FEAR mostly.See im what u would call openly closed. fear to get the chemo, fear that i may have a cold so i cant get chemo. Tomorrow is a chemo day so that just adds anxiety. No matter how strong you are or how many ppl you have for encouragement.eventually you will be left by yourself, whether its in a scan machine or your own bed, you will get to a place of fear and lonely and anger. Life has a way of teaching you you're biggest lessons.Its getting late so of course Im here with my thoughts and my fears. my fear of the unknown is becoming fear of will ALL my cancer ever leave, is these little pills working, will i be strong enough to fight.esp if addisons is my adrenal problem. However its hard to worry about a bill that wont be here til January when I have the kids and their needs and our general bills to deal with. Not sure what imma do about paying for the reconstruct.insurance may be not covering it. i love the hospital cause im right there but i hate the hospital cause it can get me sick. alot of ppl with cancer dont die from the seems an infection always gets them. I have recovered from being addicted to the morphine i was prescribed but it makes me afraid to take meds now. i put the kids through enough fear and just dont wanna do it again. i cant go out with friends because within an hr., i need to lay or rest. omg.my body is in pain and i feel weak and i feel like i need to pass out. i have an adrenal gland disorder that my doctor says may be addisons disease. i feel bad when i feel bad because my kids and damon have become happier people since im not in the hospital all the time. Im in this place.to where.im still not feeling my best but im feeling better. the BIG one.the double mastectomy with reconstruct.I maxed out on my radiation and completed my chemo. Ok so its been a minute since Ive blogged.lets see.well Ive had 2 surgeries, a lumpectomy and a hysterectomy.
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